so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
