Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
