Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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