Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
