i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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