Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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