You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
