What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
