I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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