Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
