5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
