Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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