Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
