He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize