I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
