Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
