I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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