Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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