The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
