using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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