she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
