i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
