dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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