Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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