No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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