party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
