Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
