i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
