She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
