If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
