so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We're too hungover to prance.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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