At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
