you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
