Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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