Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
