new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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