I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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