As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
