my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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