I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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