Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
