Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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