Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
