Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
