I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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