I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
