I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize