I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just threw up on my dentist
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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