Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
