Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Drake has all the answers
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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