My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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