i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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