It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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