We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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