there's paper in my vomit.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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