he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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