I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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